The Five Commitments

The APART Model is based on the reality that being apart is seldom easy: but with the right amount of commitment, action and focus, you can make it an enriching, rewarding and positive experience for all. Therefore, APART consists of five commitments (Anchor, Prepare, Availability, Reflect and Transition) and numerous ideas for actions, which you can undertake during each of the three stages of being apart (Leaving, Away and Returning).

However, just as being apart happens, so too does struggling to maintain – let alone strengthen –  those all-important connections with the children we love. Sometimes in the course of being apart, especially when emotions get the better of us, it’s not easy to keep things straight. It becomes difficult to see the wood through the trees and to remember what it was that we committed ourselves to do with the children we love. Sometimes, it’s simply the daily routine of our often fast-paced lives apart, which diverts us from the challenging – logistically and emotionally – experience of staying connected. So, for those moments when all your best laid plans get lost in the fog of being apart, APART provides you with a simple focus for each commitment – and encourages you to trust your gut, do your best and forget the rest in meeting it.

Commitment One: Anchor
Being apart is an emotional rollercoaster for the children you love, for the caregiver/s left behind and, often exacerbated by these facts, for you. As such, you’ve got to find a way to keep yourself together. This is one of the most important things you can do to make the experience of being apart a positive one for all. Keeping your cool won’t be easy, and at times you’ll crack under the pressure. The APART model doesn’t encourage you to be an emotionless rock, or some constantly tranquil Zen master. Rather, APART simply recognizes that we all have emotions, and encourages you to manage them, in such a way that fosters healthy, loving connections between you and the children you love, and your broader family, while you’re apart. In essence, when it comes to Anchor, your primary focus should be to stay calm, find your center and get clear on your ‘vision’ for the ‘Away’ phase. 

Commitment Two: Prepare
Leaving is hard on everyone: the children you love; the caregiver/s you leave behind; and on you. From the moment you learn about your departure (which, if you’re a visiting relative or friend, might be before you arrive), logistical and emotional challenges kick in – and there is seldom enough time to deal with them all. You’ll have your own feelings about leaving, wrapped up in a multi-tasking, logistical extravaganza. This might even include pre-departure work, which is typically required, in particular for business travellers, to make leaving possible – and the trip a success. As for the children you love, they might be going through some emotional turbulence, including confusion, fear, sadness and loss. The caregiver/s left behind will have her/his/their own feelings about your departure, while also preparing themselves, both mentally and emotionally, for the onslaught of emotions, which the children you love will no doubt experience following your departure (or theirs, if they were visiting you). The caregiver/s will also be preparing for the additional duties around home (and/or on the trip home) – no doubt with a certain amount of trepidation –  including those, if you’re a visiting relative, which you might have helped out with during your stay. The washing basket alone is enough to wobble knees… So, when it comes to Prepare, your primary focus should be on getting things ready: in the heart, the home (and community) and the head.

Commitment Three: Availability (and Fun!)
While you’ve completed the first stage of being apart, i.e. ‘Leaving’, and have journeyed a substantial way through the five commitments, specifically Anchor and Prepare, stage two of being apart, Away, is typically the hardest of all. From the start of this stage to its successful conclusion, you’ll probably go through an emotional blender – as will the children you love and the caregiver/s left behind. You might feel anxiety, excitement about your job/day-to-day life apart, guilt and/or loneliness. The children you love, depending on their age and the nature of your relationship, might experience a gamut of feelings, including those of confusion, anxiety, sadness, fear, abandonment and/or anger – and react in a dizzying number of ways: from complete withdrawal to open hostility, and/or with unusual – or even extreme – ‘clinginess’ to family members left behind. The caregiver/s left behind will also be shouldering their fair share of emotions, for example those of abandonment, anxiety, happiness for you, loneliness, resentment and/or anger.

While it might not immediately feel like it, your efforts in stage one of being apart, to anchor and prepare, will pay dividends throughout stage two. But don’t fret, while its not easy being away (or being ‘left behind’, as the children you love and the caregiver/s left behind might feel), being apart can be an enriching, rewarding and positive experience for all: just ask the millions of people around the world who, on a day-to-day basis, take the bull by the horns, and stay connected with the children they love. Whatever happens, just stay anchored, remember your preparation and focus on remaining available – ‘virtually’ and emotionally – while also having as much fun as possible with the children you love.

Commitment Four: Reflect
Successful action is, in part, a product of reflection and, often, much trial and error: hence the importance of reviewing your journey down the sometimes difficult five commitments, regardless of how long you’re away. While APART suggests that you take some time-out in Commitment Four to Reflect on how you’ve done in each of the first three commitments, APART also promotes the principle that reflection should be a mindset, which informs our every action, in every commitment, at every stage of being apart. This commitment is not, however, all about looking back. It also recommends forward looking thinking on the basis of your vision for being apart, as well as a little pondering about the upcoming ‘Return’ stage and its corresponding ‘Transition’ commitment.

In sum, while reminding us that reflection is a mindset – and should occur in every commitment, at every stage of being apart, your primary focus in Reflect should be to review how you’ve done, while preparing yourself to return. And remember, any mistakes that you might have made in any (or, if you’re human, all) of the previous three commitments are not failures. Rather, they’re the building blocks of success and, in the case of being apart from the children you love, the foundation for stronger, healthier connections in the future. And therein lies one of the many silver linings of being apart… sometimes, absence can be a powerful catalyst to transform – and strengthen – your relationship with the kid/s you love.

Commitment Five: Transition
After what might feel like forever, you’re finally reunited with the children you love. Stage Three, Returning, can be a long-awaited wonderful reunion of joy, excitement and relief. However, it can also be an unexpected rocky period of challenge, difficulty and pain, especially after weeks or months away. And for some, returning can signal the start of yet another challenging period apart.

Unfortunately, ‘returning’ is not something that instantly – or effortlessly – happens, for example upon that first heart-melting hug with the kid/s you love. Returning is a transition, which requires as much discipline, energy and effort as the previous two stages apart and their associated four commitments. Depending on how long you’ve been away and the nature of your relationship with both the children you love and the caregiver/s left behind, new routines might need to be established and feelings addressed (including your own, those of the children you love, and those of the caregiver/s left behind). Perhaps contrary to expectations, during this period, you might feel like a stranger in the lives of the children you love, while they might feel, for example, cautious, insecure, indifferent, detached, disconnected, angry and even a little ‘organizationally confused’ if they’d taken on some of your duties around the house while you were away.

Commitment Five is, therefore, aptly named ‘transition’. Your primary focus during Transition should be to stay calm, ‘walk’ softly, set realistic expectations, communicate and do your best to enjoy being back with the children you love. children are resilient. And while being apart isn’t easy for anyone, with the right amount of love, affection and effort to stay connected while apart, they have an amazing ability to both adapt and grow. Indeed, the success of your return will depend, in significant part, on the efforts you made during stages one and two of being apart and, more specifically, in Commitments One, Two, Three and Four. Your efforts to have stayed connected while apart will pay dividends upon your return.

Additional References

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