Commitment Four: Reflect

Successful action is, in part, a product of reflection and, often, much trial and error: hence the importance of reviewing your journey down the sometimes difficult five commitments, regardless of how long you’re away. While APART suggests that you take some time-out in Commitment Four to Reflect on how you’ve done in each of the first three commitments, APART also promotes the principle that reflection should be a mindset, which informs our every action, in every commitment, at every stage of being apart. This commitment is not, however, all about looking back. It also recommend the need to do some forward looking thinking on the basis of your vision for being apart (which you developed in Commitment One, Anchor, as well as a little pondering about the upcoming ‘Return’ stage and its corresponding commitment, ‘Transition’.

In sum, while reminding us that reflection is a mindset, which should occur in every commitment, at every stage of being apart, your primary focus in Reflect should be to review how you’ve done, while preparing yourself to return. And remember, any mistakes that you might have made in any (or, if you’re human, all) of the previous three commitments should never be seen as failures. Rather, they’re the building blocks of success and, in the case of being apart from the children you love, the foundation for stronger, healthier connections in the future. And therein lies one of the many silver linings of being apart… sometimes, absence can be a powerful catalyst to transform (and strengthen) your relationship with the kid/s you love. Finally, every journey has to start somewhere, and the fact that you’re making an effort for the children you love when you’re apart, however small you might consider it, should always be celebrated.

Ideas For Action

A: How You’ve Done
First and foremost, before doing anything else, APART encourages us to Anchor. If you reflect from a position of stress, your conclusions are unlikely to be your best. In fact, you might find that your conclusions lead you down the path to further duress. So, return to your anchoring techniques, breathe and, when you’re calm, move on.

Second, while there are many reflective frameworks out there (Debono, Driscol, Gibbs, Johns, Kobb, Schön, etc), APART takes its own tac, and encourages us to ask seven simple questions relevant to being apart from the children we love:

  1. What did I do?
  2. Did I meet my vision for being apart, as well as my primary focus for each commitment?
  3. What worked well: from my perspective and that of the children I love?
  4. What could I do differently next time: from my perspective and that of the children I love?
  5. Were there any patterns in my behaviour (and feelings) – both positive and negative?
  6. What could I change next time? and
  7. How will I move forward (what’s my plan of action)?

Third, APART does not, however, suggest that we answer these questions through some kind of sterile, convoluted, laborious, analytical process. Being apart from the children you love is hard enough! Instead, consider asking yourself the seven reflective questions during the course of:

  • Mediation;
  • Yoga/pilates/stretching;
  • Exercise/workouts;
  • Visualisation;
  • Writing; and
  • Sketching or drawing.

Not only can reflection take place during a fun activity, it also doesn’t need to be a long process, worthy of a PhD – but ultimately unhelpful when you’re apart from the children you love and have more than enough on your plate. Whatever time you make, it’ll be time well spent: a 60 minute workout; a 30 minute diary entry; a 15 minute guided meditation; or a few minutes on the flight (or in the cab), on your return to the children you love. For APART, what really matters, is that you take some time to reflect on how things went, in order to benefit future action and, therefore, to better maintain and strengthen connections with the children you love when you’re apart.

Fourth, don’t be afraid to involve the children you love in the process of reflection. Not only can it be a fun activity, but it can also be a educational one; one in which you teach both the importance of reflection and how to do it. Your joint reflection doesn’t need a spreadsheet, nor a PhD in child psychology, nor a two hour focus group discussion. Rather, simply remember to ask the children you love one straightforward question: “is there something else you’d like me to do (or not) to help us stay better connected while we’re apart”? Keep things lite, have a giggle and focus on the positive. The last thing you want is an argument. Just listen, be open to change and have fun. You want to stay connected with the children you love when you’re apart so, really, there’s no better people to get feedback from than them: your ultimate clients. And from long before they speak, the children you love have an opinion and want to share it with you. So listen: perhaps the puppet show worked, and the board games, but your Abba dance routine simply didn’t cut it!

Fifth and finally, tailor your reflective process (whichever model you chose to use) to the length of time you’ve been apart from the children you love. If, for example, you’ve only been away for a few days, take a few minutes on the way home, in the plane, on the bus, in the taxi, to think things through. If you’ve been away for longer, you’ll need to commit yourself to regular periods of reflection, ideally also with the children you love, to keep you on track, and to ensure that your efforts to stay connected with the children you love are most effective.

B. Preparing Yourself to Return
Pretty soon you’ll be reunited with the children you love – and confronted with what is perhaps the most under-estimated of all the five commitments: Transition. While your return can indeed be a long-awaited wonderful reunion of joy, excitement and relief, it can also be an unexpected rocky period of challenge, difficulty and pain, especially after weeks or months away. So, a little preparation is required. In this respect, APART encourages us to ask a few additional questions:

  1. How am I feeling about my return?
  2. Am I clear on my picture of success? Is it – and my related expectations – realistic?
  3. Am I prepared for the possibility of detachment – and a certain degree of coldness with the children I love, as opposed to open arms, happiness and warmth?
  4. How will I ‘slot’ back into the life of the children I love after having been apart?
  5. What fun activities do I have planned?
  6. How will I manage my emotions, especially if it all gets too much?

As it was for your ‘How You’ve Done’ reflections, you don’t need to write a PhD detailing your answers to these questions, nor do you need to lock yourself away from the world in answering them. Simply pick a ‘reflective activity’ that’s right for you, and spend as much time on it as you feel appropriate, to get you ready for Stage Three, Returning, and for Commitment Five, Transition.

Featured Image by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash