Commitment Two: Prepare

Leaving is hard on everyone: the children you love; the caregiver/s you leave behind; and on you. From the moment you learn about your departure (which, if you’re a visiting relative or friend, might be before you arrive), logistical and emotional challenges kick in – and there is seldom enough time to deal with them all.

You’ll have your own feelings about leaving, wrapped up in a multi-tasking, logistical extravaganza. This might even include pre-departure work, which is typically required, in particular for business travellers, to make leaving possible – and the trip a success. As for the children you love, they might be going through some emotional turbulence, including confusion, fear, sadness and loss. The caregiver/s left behind will have her/his/their own feelings about your departure, while also preparing themselves, both mentally and emotionally, for the onslaught of emotions, which the children you love will no doubt experience following your departure (or theirs, if they were visiting you). The caregiver/s will also be preparing for the additional duties around home (and/or on the trip home) – no doubt with a certain amount of trepidation – including those, if you’re a visiting relative, which you might have helped out with during your stay. The washing basket alone is enough to wobble knees… So, when it comes to Prepare, your primary focus should be on getting things ready: in the heart, the home (and community) and the head.

Everything you do will, in some way, be helpful in maintaining and strengthening your connection with the children you love while you’re apart: from talking about your time apart, to stocking the pantry, to replacing a light bulb, to spending quality time together. What specifically you choose to do will of course depend on your relationship with the children you love (are you their mum, dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, grandparent, godparent, friend?), the age of the children you love and the length of your time apart. So, again, as for the entire APART model, use the below ideas for action as a guide and remember: good preparations make for an easier period apart and for a smoother return.

Ideas For Action

A. The Heart

Review your feelings about the travel and discuss them (in an age appropriate manner) with the children you love, as well as the caregiver/s left behind. Expect emotions (from excitement to fear and anger, among many others), detachment (or more attachment than usual) and conflict, especially if you’ll be away for a while. Just remind yourself that whatever happens, its all part and parcel of your upcoming period apart – and not a reflection on your relationship with the children you love, or with the caregiver left behind. For shorter – and perhaps more frequent – periods apart, the children you love might not bat an eyelid – at least not obviously. Remember, sometimes rivers run deep. Remain available, be reassuring, share your love and listen.
Schedule lots of time to connect before you leave, as a family and one on one:
- Schedule some playdates with the children you love. Get them giggling and engage in ‘side talk’ about how they’re feeling about your trip;
- Plan some ‘family’ (in the broadest sense of the word) time: go on an outing, catch a movie (at home or out), or plan a fun ‘pre-Away’ dinner. Make fun memories and ‘bank’ them (take pictures, which you can send to the children you love when you’re away, and when they – or you – need a ‘pick-me-up’).
Choose something to leave behind – and to take with you:Leave a mommy/daddy doll behind. Visit daddydolls.com for more (note: ConnectedApart/its founder is neither affiliated with daddydolls.com nor receiving a reimbursement for this referral);
- Leave some photos behind. For some great ideas, check out snapfish.com. (note: ConnectedApart/its founder is neither affiliated with snapfish com nor receiving a reimbursement for this referral);
- Leave a piece of clothing behind;
- Leave a piece of jewellery behind;
- Leave a key ring behind, for example attached to their school bag;
- Leave some some perfume or cologne on a favourite stuffed toy;
- Gift your favourite hat;
- You can also take one of the kid’s toys with you (just don’t forget to ask☺️).
Say farewell: Try not to prolong your departure – but also, don’t sneak out! Stay anchored, stay calm, be honest about what you’re feeling, but also matter of fact. Focus on the positive, share your love and say ‘farewell’ (because its not a ‘goodbye’). Remind them that you will see them again soon (for example, in 30 minutes when you get to the airport on FaceTime (with all those cool planes!); once you get to where you’re going; a regular intervals while you’re away – on the phone or via videochat chat; and in person when you return). In 2009, the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University prepared some useful guidance entitled ‘Make Goodbyes Easier for Children and Parents’. While general in nature, its still useful when planning periods apart from the children you love.

B: The Home (and Community)
There are a ton of things that need to be thought through when it comes to getting things ready at home and in the community. In this respect, there are a lot of excellent checklists online, which offer helpful food for thought. While many are prepared for ‘military deployments’, they provide useful food for thought, whatever your circumstances and for however long you might need to be apart from the children you love. For example, in 2017, the United Services Automobile Association developed this useful checklist. The Military Wife and Mom also has a free ‘deployment binder‘ and, finally, there is also this checklist from Everplan. Basically, before you leave, whatever your circumstances and for however long you need to be away, you should:

Think about the following categories to help the children you love and the caregiver/s left behind to carry on as smoothly as possible in your absence:
- Financial;
- Legal/administrative;
- Transport/automobile;
- Home care;
- Communications;
- Support networks;
- Parenting/caring ‘policies’;
- Emergencies.
On home care: help out with some jobs around the house before you leave: it’s a great way to bond with both the children you love – and the caregiver/s left behind – while also being extremely helpful on a day-to-day level.
On communications: if at all possible, invest in one dedicated, portable ‘hotline’, over which you and the children you love can interact while you’re apart. An iPad is ideal, with the largest screen possible (so the children you love can see more of you, literally!). Prepare your hotline in the following way:
- Strip the device of all unnecessary apps;
- Include your preferred choice of app for day-to-day communications (e.g. for text, phone and video calls) and place them in an easy to see spot on the device;
- Include a clock with the time zone of the place your travelling to;
- Set restrictions (parental controls), including with regard to your selected internet browser;
- Add a few bookmarks about the place to which your travelling;
- Add a home screen – and screen saver – with your picture, and pictures of you and the children you love;
- Add a folder of pictures of you;
- Add a folder of videos of you. Include a number of special video messages to the children you love. Include video messages for: day-to-day ups and downs; special occasions; and to mark major milestones during your time apart, if your going to be away for a long duration. Include videos of you reading books and/or singing their favourite songs, including any lullabies you might be in the habit of crooning; and
- Plan regular interactions, including when you will call (see calendar ideas below).
On support networks, identify the existing support network of the children you love, and the caregiver/s left behind. This usually includes their teachers, friends and their friends’ families. Inform them of your period apart. This will be particularly important for periods of longer duration, i.e. more than a few days. Also, as an added benefit, consider joining the ConnectedApart community, which you might find helpful as a useful source of information, or interaction, with others in the same boat.

C: The Head

Picture your vision for being apart, which you identified during the Anchor commitment, and make a plan for the Away stage:
- Choose some specific actions for the Away stage, which you can undertake while you’re apart. Pick from the ideas on ConnectedApart.com (in particular those listed under Commitment Three, Availability (and Fun)), sign up for more free ideas with ConnectedApart’s idea-letter, and join the ConnectedApart community on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest. Some of the actions you choose will require everyone’s effort while you’re apart; while others will need more leadership and energy from you;
- This is a wonderful opportunity to get everyone on the same page – or rather, to write the page together – as to expectations for action while apart, while also fostering a sense of ‘we’re in this together’ and ‘we all have a role to play – including supporting one another – in making this a success’;
- Have fun in making your plan together, while being ready for emotions, differences in opinion and conflict. Facing the pain of being apart, together, isn’t disabling; in fact, it’s a strong, positive and empowering force, which will sustain, enable, maintain and strengthen connections during the period apart, while also developing deeper bonds for the times beyond, and the years ahead;
- WARNING: don’t commit to more actions than you can realistically do. Its better to select less actions and meet them all (and, possibly, to throw in a few ‘bonus’ actions should circumstances permit), than it is to promise more and under deliver. Unrealized expectations are connection killers…
Make a ‘Leaving Calendar’ together with the children you love, which counts down the days before you leave, and helps you stay organized (and, therefore, to have more time connecting with the children you love in fun ways before you depart).
Make an ‘Away Wall Chart’: include educational information on where you’re going, such as maps, pictures, websites for older children to research, a clock with your local time on it, pictures of you and the children you love and countdown calendars (see above and below).
Make a fun ‘Away Calendar’ together with the children you love. Plan regular interactions, including when you will call, when the children you love can call you (try to remain as available as possible – and explain why you may not be able to be as available as either you or the children you love want), and plan to celebrate anniversaries and family traditions together, remotely. Keeping up these normal routines is one more of the simple, yet hugely rewarding, ‘secrets’ to staying connected when you’re apart.
Make a paper ‘Away chain’ (with a small treat, for example a piece of chocolate, a picture, a love note, etc) at the end of every day, week or month, depending on the length of your time apart). You can also make your countdown calendar a tactile masterpiece: get two jars, and include in one, a number (corresponding to the days you’ll be away) of small items (from pictures of you, a small love note/i.e. one sentence, a ‘question and answer for the day’). For every day away, the kid/s you love should take one item from the ‘days left’ jar and add them to the ‘days gone/completed’ jar.
Leave some letters behind, for the children you love to open on different occasions. You can include instructions, like ‘open when sad’, ‘open on Friday’ or open on your birthday, or if you’re away for a shorter period, you could number them and add them to a countdown chart or chain. Otherwise, just write some notes, and let the children decided when they should be opened. Together with your letters, your could also include a picture, a sweet, a small toy, some glitter, jokes, the lyrics from your favorite song, a story about you when you were little, a picture of where you are, and link to a website about the place your visiting and the work you do.
Gift a diary, for the children you love to use while your apart. They could include their feelings, or just a sentence or two (and/or a drawing) about what they were doing on any particular day. You could also keep a diary and, if you and the children you love agree, you could compare what you were both doing on the same day after your period of being apart has ended (you could also discuss diary entries in your regular catch-ups while apart).
Get the children you love to send you some comics strips about their day-to-day life, including how they feel being apart.
Read books about leaving, being apart and returning, or books that help you and your children discuss their feelings about your period apart.
Gift some books (fiction and non-fiction) on where you’re going, especially for older children.
Gift some books about separation – and how to cope, survive and thrive!
For younger children, use dolls and puppets to talk about feelings. Hold a puppet show for your younger children, where you explain to the doll how you’re feeling and, in turn, the doll shares what its going through (or rather, how you think your little one might be feeling). Talk about things that the doll, your little one, and the family left behind can do to feel better, including while your away.
Add a picture of you and the kid/s you love to his/her/their bedside. You can leave pictures in frames behind, which are easy for the children you love to carry around, and/or leave small passport photos, which they can add to the inside of their lunchboxes, to their wallets or purses, or simply in their school bag.
Create a ‘coffee-table’ photo book, which includes lots of photos of you, the children you love, and the immediate family (it won’t stay put on the coffee table for long!). For some great ideas, check out snapfish.com. (note: ConnectedApart/its founder is neither affiliated with snapfish com nor receiving a reimbursement for this referral).
Create a virtual folder of photos, which includes lots of photos of you, the children you love, and the immediate family, and add it to the home computer, tablets, and/or the home hotline.
Create a virtual folder of videos with special messages to the children you love. Include video messages for day-to-day ups and downs, for special occasions, and to mark major milestones in your time apart if for a long duration. Include videos of you reading books and/or singing their favourite songs, and doing regular things with them.
Make recordings (voice or video) of you reading their favourite stories.
Make a recording for bedtime – a message, a song, or a special story – which the children you love can play before they go to sleep. Listening to this message every night before bed could become a fun routine while your away.
Make some playlists to leave behind: one including your own favourite music, and one including music that both you and the children you love enjoy.
If you’re going to miss an anniversary or a birthday, leave a card and a present behind, or record a video before you leave (see ‘hotline’ above).
Make packing a fun – and cathartic – joint experience: get the children you love involved. Let them help you to pack for your time apart, including letting them add one special item of their choosing to your kit/luggage.
Check out Sesame Street for Military Families (which is great for any family which includes someone who spends time away from the children they love), which has a lot of fun video clips, an excellent app and other great resources. Its also in Spanish.

Featured image by Theresa Klingenschmid on Unsplash