Don’t leave the children you love without it: try these simple ideas to prepare.

When it comes to staying connected with the children you love when you’re apart, a little preparation before you leave makes all the difference. For this reason, ConnectedApart’s unique APART model includes ‘Preparation‘ as one of five committments for you to undertake, with the goal of ensuring that the experience of being apart is an enriching, rewarding and positive one for all. Along with your anchoring routine, preparation really isn’t something you should leave home without.

So, before you head out, for whatever reason and period, get things ready: in the heart, the home (and community) and the head with the following simple ideas from ConnectedApart. Rest assured that everything you do will, in some way, be helpful in maintaining and strengthening your connection with the children you love while you’re apart: from replacing a light bulb; to stocking the pantry; to talking about your time away; to spending quality time together before you hit the road.

The research is explicit: good preparation makes for an easier period away and for a smoother return.

For over 50 free ideas to prepare, many of which elaborate on those shared below, as well as tons of excellent related articles and reference material, check out ConnectedApart’s dedicated page on the Prepare Committment.

A. Ideas for the Heart

1. Review your feelings about your time apart and discuss them (in an age appropriate manner) with the children you love, as well as the caregiver/s left behind. Expect emotions (from excitement to fear and anger, among many others), detachment (or more attachment than usual) and conflict, especially if you’ll be away for a while. Just remind yourself that whatever happens, its all part and parcel of your upcoming period apart – and not a reflection on your relationship with the children you love, or with the caregiver left behind. For shorter, and perhaps more frequent, periods apart, the children you love might not bat an eyelid – at least not obviously. Remember, sometimes rivers run deep. Remain available, be reassuring, share your love and listen;
2. Schedule lots of time to connect before you leave, as a family and one on one.
3. Leave a mommy/daddy doll behind. Visit daddydolls.com for more;
4. Leave some photos behind. For some great ideas, check out snapfish.com;
5. Say farewell: Try not to prolong your departure – but also, don’t sneak out! Stay anchored, stay calm, be honest about what you’re feeling, but also matter of fact. Focus on the positive, share your love and say ‘farewell’ (because its not a ‘goodbye’). In 2009, the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University prepared some useful guidance entitled ‘Make Goodbyes Easier for Children and Parents’. While general in nature, it’s a useful tool when preparing for a period apart from the children you love.

B: Ideas for the Home (and Community)
There are a ton of things that need to be thought through when it comes to getting things ready at home and in the community. In this respect, there are a lot of excellent checklists online, which offer helpful food for thought. While many are prepared for ‘military deployments’, they provide useful food for thought, whatever your circumstances and for however long you might need to be apart from the children you love. For example, in 2017, the United Services Automobile Association developed this useful checklist. ‘The Military Wife and Mom’ also has a free ‘deployment binder‘ and, finally, there is also this checklist from Everplan.

Basically, before you leave, whatever your circumstances and for however long you need to be away, you should think about the following categories to help the children you love and the caregiver/s left behind to carry on as smoothly as possible in your absence:

1. Financial;
2. Legal/administrative;
3. Transport/automobile;
4. Home care;
5. Communications;
6. Support networks;
7. Parenting/caring ‘policies’;
8. Emergencies.

In terms of communications, invest in one dedicated, portable ‘hotline’, over which you and the children you love can interact while you’re apart. An iPad is ideal, with the largest screen possible (so the children you love can see more of you, literally!). Visit Amazon to purchase this item. Prepare your hotline in the following way:

• Strip the device of all unnecessary apps;Include your preferred choice of app for day-to-day communications (e.g. for text, phone and video calls) and place them in an easy to see spot on the device;
• Include a clock with the time zone of the place your travelling to;
• Set restrictions (parental controls), including with regard to your selected internet browser;
• Add a few bookmarks about the place to which your travelling;
• Add a home screen – and screen saver – with your picture, and pictures of you and the children you love;
• Add a folder of pictures of you;
• Add a folder of videos of you. Include a number of special video messages to the children you love. Include video messages for: day-to-day ups and downs; special occasions; and to mark major milestones during your time apart, if your going to be away for a long duration. Include videos of you reading books and/or singing their favourite songs, including any lullabies you might be in the habit of crooning; and
• Plan regular interactions, including when you will call (see calendar ideas below).

On support networks, identify the existing support network of the children you love, and the caregiver/s left behind. This usually includes their teachers, friends and their friends’ families. Inform them of your period apart. This will be particularly important for periods of longer duration, i.e. more than a few days. Also, as an added benefit, consider joining the ConnectedApart community, which you might find helpful as a useful source of information, or interaction, with others in the same boat.

C: Ideas for the Head

1. Picture your vision for being apart, which you identified during the Anchor commitment, and make a plan for the Away stage. Choose some specific actions for the Away stage, which you can undertake while you’re apart. Pick from the ideas on ConnectedApart.com (in particular those listed under Commitment Three, Availability (and Fun)), sign up for more free ideas with ConnectedApart’s weekly idea-letter, and join the ConnectedApart community on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest;
2. Make an ‘Away Wall Chart’: include educational information on where you’re going, such as maps, pictures, websites for older children to research, a clock with your local time on it, pictures of you and the children you love and countdown calendars (see above and below);
3. Gift some books about separation – and how to cope, survive and thrive! Check out the following titles on Amazon: Don’t Want To Be Apart; and The Invisible String; and See You Later, Alligator;
4. For younger children, use dolls and puppets to talk about feelings. Hold a puppet show for your younger children, where you explain to the doll how you’re feeling and, in turn, the doll shares what its going through (or rather, how you think your little one might be feeling). Talk about things that the doll, your little one, and the family left behind can do to feel better, including while your away;
5. Make packing a fun – and cathartic – joint experience: get the children you love involved. Let them help you to pack for your time apart, including letting them add one special item of their choosing to your kit/luggage.

Related References

• Biringen, Z., Seng, S. and Altenhofen, S. (2005). Babies, toddlers, and coping with military deployments: Ensuring emotional security and remaining emotionally available. Colorado State University.
• Chandra, A., Lara-Cinisomo, S., Jaycox, L., et al. (2010). Children on the homefront: the experiences of children from military families. Pediatrics. 125 (1): 16 – 25
• Cohen, S. A., Gössling, S. (2015). A darker side of hypermobility. Environment and Planning A, 47.
• Espino, C. M., Sundstrom, S. M., Frick, H. L., Jacobs, M., Peters, M. (2002). International business travel: Impact on families and travellers. Occupational and Environmental Medicine, 59: 309 – 322.
• Flake E. M., Davis B. E., Johnson P. L., Middleton L. S. (2010). The psychological effects of deployment on military children. Journal of Behavioral and Developmental Pediatrics. 30 (4): 271 – 278.
• Gustafson, P. (2006). Work-related travel, gender and family obligations. Work, Employment and Society, 20 (3): 513 – 530.
• Meadows, S.O., Tanielian, T., Karney, B. R. (Eds.). (2016). The deployment life study: Longitudinal analysis of military families across the deployment cycle. Rand Corporation.
• Striker, J., Luippold, R., Nagy, L., et al. (1999). Risk factors for psychological stress among international business travellers. Occupational and Environmental Medicine, 56: 245 – 52.

Featured image by Theresa Klingenschmid on Unsplash